Growing Old - Bring on that government money :)

I am growing old - quickly I might add. There are many benefits to be had at an elderly age. That is what this page is all about :)  Now, I did not grow old overnight - it took many years to get here. And that, my friends, is where the beauty lies. You develop views of the world at a young age and then grow to the point where you realize how stupid you were in your younger years. But then, you can't remember half of it anyway. Life is good :)

Voice Mail - Lately, I have started having conversations with my voice mail messages. It gets frustrating when the person leaving the message does not answer me - but I am good listener. The real problem comes if I hang up before getting the VM lady telling me to delete the message. Then ... I get the same message again and I think - "I have had this conversation before !!!" ... dejavu.

Sex - Your sex life actually improves with age - I think. When you are young - you have testosterone running through every pore and you are in great physical shape - able to eat 3 Big Macs with fries and then run a Marathon - all before lunch. Sex is pretty straight forward. You see a woman (any one will do) and the "Big Fella" is ramped up and ready to go. If you actually manage to get one of these ladies in bed - you charge ahead - completely out of control - and the deed is done. You are the "MAN" :)  In the older years it is different. You see a sexy woman ( we are much pickier now - this rules a couple of them out ) and you have trouble remembering what testosterone is - or what it does. Different thoughts run through your head. For example - "Boy is she ever built. I would love to gum those puppies".  But you have learned a lot over a lifetime of disappointed bed partners. There is a thing called fore play. No, this has nothing to do with golf. It is the act of getting your lady into the mood. Some kissing. Some soft touching. Some gentle nibbling on her ear lobes. Some gentle caressing down the neck. Soon, your lady is on fire and ready for for action. The big moment has arrived. You have to go for a pee. By the time you finish and come back - you can't remember where you left off.  No wonder the postman looks so good to her :)

Grandchildren - God's gift to tired parents. You can play with them, feed them candy, toss them around till they puke, and then go home to the peace and quiet of your old age home. Kid's come pre-programmed to love Grandpa and Grandma, even if they have never seen you before. They know you are where the fun is at. You will let them eat the cat followed by a tasty treat of yesterday's dog food. Everything is fair game - unless of course they are at your place. Then we do need a couple of wee rules.

Public passing of air - No One ever dumps on an old person if a wee storm slips out the old hind end. It is always assumed the kid behind you did it. And you can reinforce this belief by turning around and glaring at him/her. Old folks develop marvellous control. They can squeeze off a giant so quietly that you would not hear it if your ear was at ground zero. BUTT - you can smell it from the next building over. This is powerful stuff. I was behind a little old lady in CIBC the other day and she dropped an outhouse. She turned and gave me this really sweet smile just as I was pointing at her and holding my nose. But she was good. As soon as she caught me in the the act she faked a faint, pointed her finger at me, and made some comment about me changing my diaper.

Hugging - One of the best things about getting old is that young ladies assume you are harmless, and they are mostly right, so you can give them these fantastic hugs for every occasion you can make up.  They might look a little confused when you say "Happy Literary Day" and give them the old squeeze but they just assume your brain is mostly dead anyway. Of course, you do have to hug the odd male so they don't get suspicious. You want to keep that to a minimum though.

Government Money - Okay, my really favourite thing about getting old is getting money from the government. YA GOTTA LOVE IT :)) It is not a lot mind you ... but all you have to do is know how to spell your name and they keep on sending it out. Of course, your living costs go down as you get older so the impact of free money is much larger. I figure I will do okay as long as I don't start smoking, give up booze and most foods, and don't drive my car anywhere. Or, alternately, I could move to Mexico and sell dope :)

Dope - I did a bit of toking when I was a young lad. I know it sounds goofy - but it was very mind expanding. And, contrary to popular myth, sex was not that great when stoned. Ear rings - they were fascinating when I was stoned. Riding my motorcycle while high - that was fascinating. Now here's a question for you. Why is it called dope?  Don't look at me I don't know either. But, one thing I have learned as I have achieved my more venerable years -  you can get high really easy when you step into a room where folks are toking up. Of course,  you get the same feeling when you run up the stairs too fast. Ahhhh, a little float down memory lane is always nice. Which way was north ?

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